Just a tiny note..

Dear David, 

I choose you. I love who you are, you are my diamond in the sky. Every moment of happiness that I’ve had since the day that I met you has been thanks to you. I love how you see me, really me. You push past my scars and fears and free me to be loved by you and others for who I really am.

I know that whatever terrorizes my dreams, it’s not real because you will be there when I wake up. I hold a lot in, a lot of pain, hurt, trauma. It’s hard to open up, it’s hard to give evil a voice. My self given excuse is that I don’t need to talk for you to make it fade away, I don’t need to tell you and expose you to my pains, you are amazing and comforting and loving all the time, not just when you think I need it.

I am so happy with my life now, with you. But sometimes it’s hard, habit can be similar to instinct and I was so used to living a different life for a long period of time, a life that sadly I was expecting to keep going. I had my office with my books and my kitchen full of nifty stuff and my cat who is as close to being my surrogate child as anything could be. I knew what the next steps were, was ready to have kids and buy a house and build my career while moving to an active military base.. it was all figured out. My point in this is that being ready for all that and directing your life towards those things does not change because you start back at square one with a new person.

Quite honestly, it makes it remarkably harder to stifle the life that you’re ready for when that new person is everything you could ever want and more, when thinking of losing that person takes the breath out of your lungs every time even though no one notices. When the fear that he will one day walk away continuously outweighs the importance of life's existence. This probably sounds scary, me saying I’m ready for the family/house/career and professing my love for you in a way that I’m usually silent about.

My point isn’t to change you, push you, or even suggest that this should be us, our life. I guess I’m just telling you who I am.. and help explain why in the beginning it was hard for me to just walk away. Hopefully this also explains why I don’t understand when you doubt my love for you, my heart hurts when you ask because you should feel loved, you should know that I love you because I have earned that right, and I don’t know if I have. I’m not as outspoken with my affections, compliments, and sweet nothings as you are, or as I should be.

I’ve changed, there is a lot in life and relationships that I have learned to fear. I can understand that a lot of people wouldn’t understand how you can be in a relationship that leaves you uncomfortable of showing affection because you fear the reaction, I also understand that I need to break free of everything in my past that holds me back, and I have been making progress it just takes time.

I hope this all makes sense, I started off just wanting to write something short telling you that I love you and appreciate you and it turned into me rambling and trying to help you understand who I am and my life when I don’t even know how to understand it or where to go from here. The only thing that matters is wherever my life goes from here, I want you there. It is nice to not only need somebody, but to want them as well. I wish I could express how infinitely happy you make me, just true blissful joy.

It would be awkward to hand you a letter in person, and I’m not scared for people to know what you mean to me so this seemed like an appropriate way to relay the message.

Love,

Brb.Peaches